McLovin Tanaka: Life Forecast

My dear McLovin,

Thank you for sending palm pictures, and for finally understanding that pictures of your feet do not count. (I will not accept them as payment either.)

It is with the utmost almighty delicacy that I must inform you of something I sense you are not aware of. Please make sure your hands are sitting down. By all rights, this is something you should’ve learned from your parents or a medical professional.

McLovin, your hands… were switched at birth. You were born with your right hand on the left side, and your left hand on the right side. The doctors “corrected” them so that you could be tolerated by society. If you ever felt like you didn’t quite fit in, you were right. As a result of this procedure, the strands of your destiny became tangled. I’m sorry to say, they are virtually unreadable. If you’re still interested, I can interpret them using a megadivination override, which will take seventeen years and cost $680,085,954.12

The leaves reveal that you will become a multibillionaire through your career as a crash test pilot for commercial spacecrafts. With this income you could easily afford the megadivination override to your interraveled hand strands. I will gladly accept a down payment now to begin the process.

Feel free to make your check out to simply

Benezraldo