You're Safe Now*
With so many vaccine options on the market, it can be hard to
decide which one is right for you. Not anymore. The NOT-A vaccine is right for everybody. Here’s how it works:
First, you must refrain from eating for four days before the
procedure begins. You will then travel to our research palace in Siberia (the directions and musical password will be provided after you register). Here you will find a hot springs occupied by a thousand monkeys. Wait for one of the monkeys to correctly guess your weight, blood type, and Social Security number. This monkey will be your vaccine-mate. Convince it to leave the hot springs by offering it a piece of clementine cake. Allow it to shave your upper arm.
Return to America with your monkey and meet us at any
Walgreen’s that is convenient for you. We will inject one dose of the NOT-A vaccine into the monkey’s arm. After thirty minutes, we extract a small amount of inoculated blood from your vaccine-mate and administer it to you. Within seconds, you will be completely immune to the COVID-19 virus and all its variations!
only 100% pure ingredients to concoct this miracle serum. While we cannot publicize most of the recipe for security reasons, we can tell you about its main three components. The preparation starts with forty gallons of fresh-squeezed North Korean chicken juice. Then, we carefully break down Oreo cookie sandwiches to collect an extract that is highly unstable and dangerous on its own, but rendered harmless by our treatment techniques. To aid the chemical bonding in the vaccine, we pulverize ordinary Tyrannosaurus Rex bones into a coarse powder. Finally, we take all our ingredients and Amalgamate them in a special laboratory apparatus of our own design. That’s all we can say for now! Don’t believe it works? That’s OK; just leave the science to us.
Before you ask — yes, the NOT-A vaccine is completely safe. We used
As much as we would love to send ready-to-use hypodermic needles
full of this amazing vaccine in the mail to all our friends and followers, we are prevented from doing so by many complex restrictions. Firstly, due to limited resources there is only one dose of the NOT-A vaccine available at this time. After much debate (and no reply when we offered it to Betty White; someone please check on her), we decided that this dose should go to our one friend who deserves it most. That might be you!
To determine our worthiest friend, we came up with a simple contest: name our cat. We do not currently own a cat, so you’ll have to imagine one. Use the widget below to submit your name nominations. Whoever submits the one we like best will be invited to receive the life-changing — and life-saving — NOT-A vaccine!
