Colonel Arbuckle: Life Forecast

My dear Colonel,

I must admit, you’ve caught me with my silken soothpants down. I haven’t been in such error since I predicted that Humpty Dumpty would fall for a wall. In all my premonitions of your tea leaf submission, the sardine was decidedly… still alive. While there is clearly a murder here to solve, I am not a problem solver, rather a problem seer. And here is what now lies ahead:

1. You will perish in a bubblebath. Of this I am sure. You cannot avoid your fate by avoiding bubblebaths, and you would be a fool to try.

2. You will be accused of felony-degree garden fraud. No one will believe the gnomes did it. To recover your reputation, you will have to appear in a Smokey the Bear PSA, delivering a heartrending portrayal of an ordinary man driven by his family’s suffering to unsafe fire practices. Smokey will join you in a ‘90s-youth-outreach-style rap.

3. Boomerangs will begin to bombard you on a regular basis. They will sometimes miss you, sometimes strike you, and you will never be able to see where they come from. For deliverance from this curse, you must travel to the Australian Outback, find a sick kangaroo, and nurse it back to health. Only then will the ghosts and their boomerangs rest.

4. Beginning very soon, you will frequently stub other people’s toes on accident — an average of four people per day. This is because your karma sluice has become jammed. To get the jam out will require patience and effort. You can start by taking far beyond your current number of bubblebaths. (These are healthful for you anyway: through being sudsy and delightful, they energize your power nucleus. It’s time to Dial it up.)

Thank you for your submission. Your pictures and fortune will posted on my website. They will be listed alongside my other promotional readings at: www.bandjbits.com/benezraldo

Happy soaking,

Benezraldo